PART I: Tube-gredients
Introduction: Manifest-it-yourself
Everybody knows that the easy way to procure a FROODUS is to summon one, via the typical psycho-kinetic injunction method. This, however, can be deceptively time-consuming and requires, among other diversions, a lengthy application process followed by excruciating paperwork and bloodletting. If your trans-material fax service provider offers long distance FROODUS-tunnel carving services as part of a pre-paid bundle, this method may prove economical, however, connecting to these networks without having invested in the HARVEST infrastructure can be expensive and dangerous. Ultimately, your specific needs will dictate the type of connection you choose, but for the hobbyist, we usually recommend simply making your own FROODUS shell and then compelling the spirit of FROODUS to enter it, using a combination of gin and Gloria Estefan impersonations.
Here’s what you’re going to need:
MATERIALS
- Newspaper
If you live in a city, walk out to the corner of any major thoroughfare where culture exists. If you are in the suburbs, you may have to look much harder for culture. Anyway, if your area has some type of culture, you should find on the corner a metal box containing hundreds of sheets of newsprint stapled together with cultural information printed on them. Do not try to decipher the complex codes of your culture. Instead, take about 10 of these free newspapers home with you and tear them (lengthwise, after removing the staples – culture actually has a ‘grain’ and you may find it difficult to tear vertically) into roughly 1-inch strips. - Flour
Wheat flour is made from ground sparrows’ skulls and can be purchased from any Thaumaturge supply dungeon. - Styrofoam
Styrofoam typically comes in a box along with electronics. Purchase electronics. Open box. Discard electronics. Harvest styrofoam. - Acrylic and Spray paints
Close your eyes after looking into the sun, or similar luminous orb (such as a 40 watt incandescent bulb) for about 40 minutes. Make note of the 40 colours you see. DO NOT USE THESE COLOURS. Any other palette will be acceptable for this project.
The sale of aerosol paint, due to its association with ‘coolness’ and ‘rebellion,’ is often restricted to persons over the age of 18 who work full-time desk jobs. Please read my detailed article here.
***A note on spray paint: Paint can get very expensive so I recommend sourcing house paint from your local landfill. The savings, however, will only begin to address the hole inside you where the thrill of spraying pressurized freedom out of a plastic nozzle should have been***
- Acrylic Gel Medium (gloss)
Found in Artist Supply shoppes. This is basically acrylic paint without the pigment. For a comprehensive list of Michael Jackson jokes, please stay on the line. - Aerosol Varnish
I don’t know a whole lot about this product. I purchased 3M brand gloss aerosol varnish. The cap was very difficult to remove, even with the use of a screwdriver. Even after breaking the cap with a screwdriver. - Adhesive Tape
- Aerosol Insulating Foam
Available from most hardware shoppes. This stuff is typically used to fill all types of gaps, cracks, slits, chasms, holes, chinks, apertures, fissures, crevices, crevasses, crannies, and cleavages. - Beeswax
Beeswax is secreted by orphans. Being that beeswax is one of Canada’s leading exports, (next to the comedy of Ruselle Patters and Brentois Buttridge) our government has invested millions in massive parent-killing initiatives. If you, or anyone you know, has lost their parents to the wax companies, please sign a petition. Otherwise, please proceed to your local Artist supply shop to purchase beeswax. - Plasticine
Comes in bricks. Unlike cocaine, it canot be cut with baking soda and re-sold for broken dreams. - Oven-bake Polymer clay
I used Sculpey brand “super sculpey” product to make the eye of the FROODUS. Available from artist supply shoppes and craft retailers. Typically used in the manufacture of tiny penises. Polymer clays won’t dry out until you bake them and once hardened you can sand/drill/carve them. They do end up being sort of heavy and it gets pretty expensive/impractical if you’re making anything large. - Things to cover in Paper mache
You’ll need some things, or objects, to use as the armature (or frame) for the paper mache. For my FROODUS, I used an inflatable exercise ball, a lampshade and a red bowl. Large spherical objects make great FROODUS parts.
TOOLS
- Scissors
- Box cutters/exacto knives, various sizes
- Hot glue gun/glue
- Hands (by which I mean, the hands of your Chinese slaves – more on this later)
STAY TUNED FOR PART II: “Monster Mache, for Beginners”
